Loving Something You Hate Won't Make It Stronger

I was watching Season 4 of Ted Lasso the other night and one of the scenes opened up a teaching that I wanted to share. Two friends fell into conflict: Keeley wants to engage a spunky, rich, soccer loving maven named Zelda to help launch Richmond's new women's soccer team. Rebecca has hesitations about Zelda and unilaterally decides that they will not meet with her. Keeley leaves their conversation visibly upset.

Stories are wonderful at helping us highlight particular tensions and growth edges in our lives. Here, I noticed my own tendency to negotiate and convince, imagining myself as Keeley planning an airtight argument to present to Rebecca. Or maybe, I thought, if I were Keeley I'd invite Rebecca into a collaborative conversation where we could determine not "who" was right, but "what" was right. Yes, that could be a softer alternative to handling this disagreement I thought to myself.

I share my thought process here because it helps to highlight why what Keeley actually did struck me so delightfully. Keeley chooses e a 3rd way, a way that I can only describe as something that maybe Teacher Wei would have advised.

Instead of pushing the conflict any further, Keeley chooses the triple goddesses of acceptance, love, and gratitude.

You can watch what happens here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aEu1dN_Ln_U

Keeley's next move is to invite Rebecca on a date. They meet outside in the fresh nighttime air of the stadium where Keeley has prepared a candlelit picnic for two complete with hot cocoa. If fear or anxiety contributed to their conflict, this neutral setting and nervous system regulating additions would certinaly provide a healing balm.

Rather than inviting Rebecca to talk about the conflict any further, Keeley accepts her friend. She tells her how much she loves her and how much she appreciates what she has brought to her life. Then Keeley does something really unexpected: she thanks Rebecca for saying "no". Keeley offers gratitude for the roadblocks, the disappointment, and the pain that Rebecca's "no" decisions sometimes have caused. Keeley explains that she understands how these limitations only serve to make her better and to make their work better. She hugs Rebecca with an open heart, never trying to convince, change, or manipulate the situation. In the field of this loving energy, Rebecca receives the medicine of a deep healing.

In his teachings, Teacher Wei consistently advises us to choose acceptance, love, and gratitude, especially when approaching an the pain of an illness or diagnosis. Teacher Wei encourages us to accept the illness, to love the illness, and to even thank the illness for being a trusted messenger sent to improve our lives. Just like Keeley pointed out, illnesses and limitations have the effect of jolting us out of our complacency. They have the potential to help us become more loving, more humble, and more awake versions of ourselves. This response is not pretending to enjoy the pain, and it is not telling ourselves that the hard thing is secretly good. It is choosing to meet what has arrived with an open heart instead of a closed one, to welcome the uninvited visitor.

When people are working together and come into conflict, it's almost always because fear has entered the scene. Someone has anxiety over a situation and they shut down to stay in a zone where they feel safe. Sure, negotiation and convincing them to change thier mind can get you what you want, and maybe it can provide a short term solution that reduces harm to others. It does not, however, usually providing the true medicine that will cure the root of the problem. The true medicine can only come from acceptance and love. This is why it's so powerful to have the capacity to accept, to love, and to show gratitude in situations that we really, really don't like. It is powerful to have the capacity to be the one who provides this true medicine.

Perhaps you're like me and sometimes feel that love isn't strong enough to fix something that feels really big, and really existential. Truly, however, love is the ONLY medicine there is.

What I'm talking about here is unconditional love. This kind of love isn't "being nice". It has nothing to do with lacking boundary. It also has nothing to do with attachment or sentimentality. Loving something, especially something we hate, will not make it stronger. It also will not make us weaker. What love does is removes the fear. When we take the fear out of the room, what we have left is a clear mind, an open heart, and the ability to see the next right step.

Keeley did not change Rebecca's mind that night. She changed the field of energy they were both sitting in, by turning it into pure love.

By Megan Kaun